You read that right, I wish I wasn’t a special needs mom.

I’ve seen a million blog posts from special needs parents all stating that they wouldn’t change their special needs children. That’s not me.

Now, I love my little girl for exactly who she is, don’t get me wrong. She is absolutely incredible, there are no words to describe her aura. She brings so much joy and wonder to my life. She has taught me patience unlike anything I have ever experienced. She is literally 1 in 50,000,000. She is beautiful. I love her so hard it hurts.

But.

If I could change things and have Westynn be typically developing then I would.

IN. A. HEARTBEAT.

Hear me out for a minute. Imagine not being able to make your body move correctly like everyone else does. Imagine not being able to feed yourself. Imagine not being able to say even one word to communicate your needs and wants with anybody. Living with this mastermind brain and having to work so hard to get people to see the things you understand. Why would I wish that upon any child, let alone my own little girl? So yes, I wish Westynn could have been born typical so I wouldn’t have to watch her struggle. What parent enjoys seeing their baby wrestle through life? Is that selfish of me?

I know my God stitched her together exactly as He meant to. I fully trust His process and am thankful for everything Westynn brings. But if God gave me the option, I would choose the typical life for my baby, and I will not apologize for that.

Love,

the special needs mom black sheep, Shaylee

This is a loooooo-oooooo-oooooong overdue shoutout to the man behind it ALL. Seriously, all of it.

You guys are always saying, “You’re so strong!” and “You’re such a good mom” which always makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about my disaster of a life. But… full transparency… my knight in shining armor, my hairy hunk, my daddy-foo, is the reason why! (Well, Jesus backs him up too 😉)

He seriously does it ALL. Works, cooks, cleans, parents, does my projects, takes care of the property, all the animals… EVERYTHING. I honestly don’t even remember the last time I cooked breakfast. Yikes, thats slightly embarrassing. I’m dropping the curtain to tell you guys how easy I really have it. He does, like, quadruple the amount of things that I do. And the best part… he never EVER rubs my lack of keeping up with him in my face.

He is the ying to my yang. I am the bad parent and he is the good parent. I am the impulse buyer and he is the research (like, alooooooot of research, ugh) before buying type. I am the easygoing driver and he is the road rager. I’m always sweaty, he is always cold. I’m persistent and he is patient. I’m needy and he is extremely self sufficient.

He is everything 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says love is.

Love is patient. (patient with ALL the times I change my mind and rearrange and try a new fad diet and spend money on all the Goodwill and garage sale things!)

Love is kind. (have you ever met anyone nicer than Michael? I mean really though…)

Love does not envy. (he is rarely jealous, probably cus he’s amazing, so has no reason to be.)

Love does not boast. (if anything he undermines himself and his accomplishments when speaking!)

Love is not proud. (Only proud of his little girls!)

Love is not rude. (well, sometimes when he first wakes up… yikes, I don’t think he reads these, so don’t tell him I said that. lol)

Love is not self-seeking. (everything he does, he does to help others, not better himself)

Love is not easily angered. (it takes a LOT to make him raise his voice.)

Love keeps no record of wrongs. (i don’t do anything wrong… so nothing to keep record of. Heehee)

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. (idk about this one, sometimes he pulls out some hilarious little truth stretchers…)

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always PERSEVERES. He has been through a lot in his 31 years, and each year he comes out bigger and better and stronger. (and more good looking!) I aspire to be more like him! Thankfully he parked himself right next to me for life, so I can learn from him more each day.

Without Michael, the girls and I would be a disaster. So babe… Thanks for keeping us afloat, for keeping me sane, and for being our world! WE LOVE YOU!

…(and you’re hot too)

STOP JUDGING

I don’t know that I’ve ever been an over-the-top judgmental person, but I’ve definitely done my fair share of mom shaming. I remember saying “my child will NEVER throw a fit like that” or “oh my gosh look at those parents giving their kid a tablet and headphones (while at a restaurant) I will NEVER” or how about “it’s freezing out and that child has no coat or shoes on… poor baby, who does that?!”

PSA guys… we do AAAAALL of that and then some. We throw uncontrollable fits. Full on hitting, scratching, kicking, slamming heads on the ground. We can’t go into any public establishment without having a tablet in tow, and our noise cancelling headphones are always in my purse. Oh, and shoes? Hahaha! That’s funny. Don’t even get me started on a coat, hat or gloves. Not gunna happen.

There’s still sometimes I get little flashbacks of different times I silently judged another parent for something I am doing at that very second. It makes me want to go back in time and hug each of those mothers and apologize profusely.

We obviously need to look out for all children’s welfare… but we need to remember, we don’t know each and every story. The child throwing a fit may be extremely over stimulated to the point of no return and doesn’t know how else to deal with what he is feeling. The mother of the child with the tablet may not be able to go out to run essential errands in public without the distraction of the tablet and the headphones to cancel out the noise and stimulation for her kiddo. The one without shoes, may have a sensory processing disorder and physically can’t handle the feel of certain clothes. The four year old with a pacifier hanging out of her mouth all day everyday?…. okay yea, we have no excuse for that one. I just need to throw them all away. haha!

Moral of the post… You don’t know what the story may be, but unless you feel like the child is in eminent danger, just have some empathy and compassion. If someone is struggling, offer assistance! Even as much as a warm smile can turn someone’s day around! The world already dishes out enough dark judgment, make a change and be the light. I promise you, it will make a difference!

The internal battle is real.

I have a constant struggle over what is or isn’t the “right” path to take with Westynn. Do we cater to her special needs? Do we act as if she has none and hold her to the same standards as a typically developing child? How much do we give in, how much do we push her forward? This type of question plays out in my head all day but ESPECIALLY if we even think of going out in public.

She dislikes going out and about. She doesn’t have to be able to speak for me to know that. Her body language tells me. Crying, rocking, hitting, gritting her teeth… Her happy place is her home, specifically her bedroom, where she spends the majority of her days. But how healthy is that, to just allow her to spend an unlimited amount of time alone in her room with little to no interaction? Wouldn’t it be better to force her to go out and see new places, meet new people, try new activities? To teach her that sometimes in life you just have to do things you don’t want to, and that maybe just maaaaaaybe she will find something new she likes? (Haha right?!) Then there’s the topic of inclusion and teaching all of those people you encounter about how to act or not act around anyone a little “different”. Teaching them about people with special needs, and that they deserve to be included in all activities… (but Westynn doesn’t like activities, and doesn’t really want to be included in them at all, so that plan backfires everytime). Inclusion is another subject that I can get lost down a rabbit hole on… so let’s save that for another time.

Then comes the thought of, well, how much am I suppose to miss out on and how much does my family have to miss out on just because Westynn doesn’t like it? For instance… the grocery store. Trick-or-Treating on Halloween. Swimming lessons. A restaurant. A movie. Garage Sales. The zoo. The play room at the mall. The fair. Parades. Seeing Santa. Getting a Christmas Tree. CHURCH! The list is endless. I haven’t come up with the answer for my question yet. And I don’t know that I will ever be satisfied with one. My mind changes with each event that we come across. So… we will just keep taking it one day at a time, sweet Jesus!

Do you have someone you trust with all of your secrets? Who you can be your complete uninhibited self with? Who loves you no matter what you say or do? Someone who just feels like home? Do you have a “person”?

Westynn has one of those too. It’s her Grammy. There is nobody in this world who can light up her spirit like Grammy does. To the point that I tend to find myself getting slightly jealous at times. They have a bond that I don’t think anyone else could ever touch, or understand. It’s absolutely beautiful. To see your baby, who doesn’t necessarily form strong relationships, have such a pull towards one certain person.

Grammy is sick. She isn’t able to be Westynns person right now. And that is heartbreaking for me. She is able to see her from time to time, but they aren’t able to play their silly little games that only they know. Ten, Howling, Butterfly, Noogy… there are hundreds of secret games they have. I don’t know anyone else that will be able to access that spot in Westynns heart again. I pray and pray and pray we don’t lose that beautiful piece of her.

I hate cancer. I hate cancer for stealing precious time with Westynns person. I hate it for taking away her Grandad. And her Aunt. And who knows how many other important people in her life to come. We trust our God without a single doubt… but that doesn’t make it suck any less!

This seems to have turned into more of a venting post as opposed to an informative one… but thank you for reading along anyways!

*clarifying… Grammy is still with us! But she is just too sick to be able to be with Westynn much right now*

You want to know what bothers me about being a special needs parent?

Nothing.

(For the most part)

I think I’m pretty laid back in the world of special needs parenting. You want to ask about Westynn, go ahead. You want to pretend like nothing is different, go ahead. You use the R word, doesn’t offend me. You have suggestions, throw em at me. You want to tell me why you think she is normal, no problem. You’re uncomfortable around her, that’s okay. Can’t get enough of her, that’s cool too. You think I’m abusing her and want to call CPS, that would be annoying but whatever, they won’t find anything. People are going to do what they want, think what they want, say what they want. I’d say 98% of the time it all just rolls off my back.

I used to panic over her future, OUR future. Will she ever drive, get married, have children, MOVE OUT? I can’t see into the future, but I’m guessing the answer to all of those things is a big negative ghost rider. But lately I find I just don’t stress over that as much anymore. (With a little help from my friend Jesus and Zoloft!) We just make sure we have a solid financial plan, that we love her endlessly, love each other endlessly, and everything else will work itself out.

Ultimately, I guess I just trust my Heavenly Father. He has given me such a peace that I didn’t know existed. (And Zoloft!) People say they don’t know how I do it. Infertility, Anxiety, Raising Westynn, losing my father, watching my mother battle cancer, and everything in between. Well, here’s my answer folks. I’m not doing it. HE IS DOING IT. People say “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I’m here to tell you, oh yes He will! But He won’t give you more than HE can handle. I don’t want to discredit my life by any means. This life is HARD. But really, whose life isn’t? Everyone just fights different battles. I DONT KNOW HOW ANYONE DOES IT WITHOUT THE LORD. I surely couldn’t.

Psalm 29:11 – The Lord gives His people strength and blesses them with peace.

John 16:33 – “…in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Exodus 14:14 – The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

I’ve got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart!

As a parent what are some of the most important things you want for and from your children? Health? Success? Stability? To be loved? To be able to love back?

Now, I know there are a multitude of ways to express love. But imagine never getting to actually hear your child tell you they love you. This was my reality.

Until yesterday.

Westynn hears us say “I love you!” all day long but doesn’t acknowledge it much. So I decided I would start trying to teach her the ASL (American Sign Language) sign for it. Westynn has very limited fine motor skills and it is hard for her to do anything very detailed with her fingers, such as doing signs correctly. Most of her sign language is modified to fit the motions she can easily make. She typically uses an open hand, a closed fist, or one pointer finger. I knew “I love you” was going to be a long shot. I worked for a couple of days on it but then forgot about it, as I do with most things these days. I want to specify, I don’t “give up” on things, I just forget that I’m doing them is all! haha! Mom brain is a real thing in this house.

WELL… yesterday while at Grammys house I said “I love you” to Westynn. All of the sudden she pulled her fist up, stared at it for a minute then started using her other hand to manipulate her fingers into the sign for “I love you”!!!! I don’t think I’ve ever been so in awe of her and how smart and resourceful and AMAZING she is!! The only other time I remember feeling such joy in this journey is the day she said “Mama”. (Which she has currently lost the ability to do, but we are working on getting some vocalizing back with more therapy!)

Now I can tell my sweet girl I love her AND SHE CAN TELL ME BACK!!

So, we have accomplished one more thing in the great parental check off list. 🤟🏼🤟🏼🤟🏼 Keep them coming baby!

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